Dear Zindagi

(14th June 2020)

So maybe I’m still finding the puzzle pieces in order to make a full picture. But I’m on my way right?

“You have to wait and see how your life unfolds” (Know My Name – Chanel Miller)

Maybe a year, or two, or ten from now, I’ll be laughing while reading this. Laughing about how small or unneeded these worries were. Maybe I’ll be happy or at least some semblance of a satisfied person. (Maybe these too, will matter very less in the grander scheme of things)

But does that make these feelings of doubt and sadness that I have right now, worthless? No, it doesn’t. Because at the end of the day I’m human too, and I have to cut myself some slack and allow myself to err and grieve and regret. Because even years from now, what I feel right this instant will be deserving of validation and acknowledgment because bigger battles do not take away the scars of the smaller ones.

Believing in better things to come, doesn’t take away the existing worse things. And it’s not supposed to. How would I appreciate things as being better, when I haven’t seen them worse? What would be the point?

So I’ll give myself the right to be unhappy today, so that I can be happy tomorrow. I’ll allow myself to break, so I can put the pieces back tomorrow. And isn’t that life?

…………………………………

Why do we put the pressure of being perfect on just one “special” relationship? Maybe we’re supposed to have many special ones.

Maybe I’ll find I like sharing all my favorite books with one person, feel an emotional connection with another, like partying with another, have deep meaningful conversations with yet another and maybe in another I’ll find comfort.

I do not have to expect one of them to possess everything. Maybe there are many different kinds of love.

A friend once every eloquently explained the difference between want and need to me. Maybe what I want, isn’t what I need. And perhaps I will always keep wondering, thinking and doubting but when has this world ever promised anyone unending conviction and faith? Even the sun rises to set, the day waxes and wanes, so how can I stay the same?

Maybe we all need to forgive ourselves for growing up, for healing with time and becoming echoes of the people we once were. Maybe the only fight we really need to win is against ourselves, and perhaps that is the best shot we have at life.